Etiquette in Social Media and Text Messaging

Communication in modern times is much different from what it was in even the fairly recent past. We in the first world have essentially become beholden to technology in all matters of life. Because this has become such a deep-seated truth, it has become akin to face-to-face conversation when concerning texting and messaging of any kind. Would a decent person blatantly ignore someone who addressed them in an in-person conversation? Highly unlikely. Now that so much communication occurs from a distance and has become a part of our daily lives, we should be more sensitive to how it may affect others when we simply decide to shun their attempts at conversation. Privacy is important, but as a humanist and someone who cares about the emotions of other human beings, I feel this is worth considering in terms of our mental health and how friends should treat one another. I've decided to come up with some handy tips for how to put off a conversation that is either unwanted or we don't have time for, with some needed sidebars included.

Responding to someone when directly addressed in a comment on a social media post or a direct message (text, any kind of messenger) is easy and full of benefits.
How it’s easy:

1. It literally takes seconds.
2. It requires basically no energy.
3. It usually requires very little thought.

How it’s beneficial:

1. One engages in human, social interaction.
2. One avoids coming off as self-important.
3. One avoids upsetting the person sending the message and in turn avoid dealing with the unneeded annoyance of addressing the upset person’s concerns as to why one has decided to ignore them.

It should be noted and understood that sometimes, someone just doesn’t feel like talking or simply didn’t see the message until a much later time. But if we care about the feelings of our friends, this shouldn't excuse us from using common courtesy and practicing general social etiquette. Here are some tips for dealing with both of these situations.

Don’t feel like talking:

1. Step 1:  address the initial message (optional). Step 2: follow up with, “Hey, sorry, I’m a little busy at the moment. I’ll have to talk to you later.” If you don't have time to address the subject matter, skip directly to step 2.
2. Say you’re not necessarily busy, but you’re reading a book or watching Netflix, for example. The best thing to do in this situation? Use honesty. “Hey, what’s up. Can’t talk now, I’m in the middle of watching a show/reading a book and want to finish up. Chat later.” The person may be disappointed, but they’ll at least know you have acknowledged them and care about their attempt to contact you.
3. If it’s on social media and it’s a statement that you have nothing to add to and don’t feel like doing so, most social media sites offer a “like” option. This is just a courtesy and sends the message to the friend in question, “I have seen you’re comment and have chosen to acknowledge to you that I’ve read it. However, I have nothing of import to add.”

Didn’t see the message:

*Note: This one is tricky. Some people can become very impatient and barrage you with further messages. These people are likely dealing with some kind of insecurity or are maybe even lonely in their life. Though it’s incredibly irritating and can even seem rude, be the better person and attempt to exhibit empathy. If the person is blatantly rude, then we course have license to defend ourselves in kind and this presents case where ignoring the message may be considered appropriate. Some phones (and virtually all social media) have features where we can block certain parties from contacting us.

1. The classic, “Hey sorry, just saw this...” works perfectly in any situation.
2. Say you feel asleep or hadn’t awaken for the day. Let’s go back to an earlier tactic: use honestly. “Hey, sorry, I just woke up...” Then address them in kind. If you don’t feel like speaking further, see tips for “Don’t feel like talking.”

Let’s say this person genuinely rubs the recipient of the message the wrong way and said recipient wants nothing to do with them. Let’s get back to that “use honesty” tactic described earlier. It may seem difficult, but it may be the best course of action for the recipient to bluntly inform the messaging party that they don't want anything to do with them. “Listen, I’m not interested in speaking to you.” It may seem harsh, but it will save the recipient and the party in question lots of grief in the future. It could even thwart a much bigger issue in advance. It may be initially uncomfortable and feelings could even change down the road, but at least the person won’t be in any way curious as to why the recipient seems to always avoid them.

There are people who likely text excessively. These people are probably unaware they are being a nuisance. Again, the "use honesty" tactic can take a person very far in this scenario. Consider telling the person, "Hey, though I enjoy being your friend, I'm not really much of a texting person. I'd rather just keep text conversations to a minimum if we could. Feel free to text me if you need something, but I'm probably not going to just have lengthy conversations with you via text unless I'm really in the mood for it." The person may be disappointed that they won't be able to socialize with their friend outside of seeing one another in person much, but if the messaging party respects the recipient  as a friend, they'll listen and they'll keep the texts to a minimum.

The very little effort involved in acknowledging someone else's attempt to connect with us via conversation is a win-win for both parties. It's always worth remembering that the mere fact this person is attempting to contact us usually means they see our worth and admire it. This person likely enjoys speaking with us and our company. Not every individual is fortunate enough to have such a luxury in this often unkind world. It's important that we remember and feel grateful for having people in our lives with which to socialize.

Home of the Brave?

We refer to America as “the land of the free and the home of the brave.” I’d like to believe that to be true. What exactly do we consider bravery? I think the definition is pretty broad among our people. I’ve been very interested in following the views of others regarding this situation with the attacks in Paris and the resulting shift in opinion concerning the consideration of granting a safe-haven to a small percentage Syrian refugees. I’ve also been aware of a reignited thirst for war from many of us. I see some calling for a total ban on bringing refugees into the country. I see others claiming we should open our doors and increase the number that we would let in. I hear some claim none of these refugees are women and children, but all able-bodied men of fighting age. I see some making hasty warnings with memes in serious need of citation. For example, I saw one comparing this situation to a percentage of Nazis in Germany during World War II and terrorists who practice the Islamic faith. Does this meme suggest that we should wipe out Muslims or does this meme suggest that we should bar any further influx of Muslims into our country because we should first assume that they have the intentions of a jihadist (akin to Germans being Nazis)? Either way, I can’t help but think back to that motto we’ve adopted from our National Anthem: The land of the free and the home of the brave.

I want to address civilians here, meaning non-military citizens of the United States. When calling for a full-scale invasion of Syria, Iraq, or any other place from which ISIS is operating, is it you who shows bravery, or is it you who expects others to be brave for you? Is it brave to sit at a computer and pound away at the keys to make public your desire to send off our citizens who have volunteered to protect our country to fight a battle in which you cannot or have no intention of participating? As we sit from the comfort of our heated homes with cable television and high-speed internet and an abundance of food in our pantries and refrigerators, with our vehicle (or multiple vehicles) sitting in our garages or driveways, some of us even opine that we should take a page from Hiroshima and Nagasaki and drop nuclear bombs on the Middle East in order to end this war with Islamic extremists once and for all. God is good. God has blessed us and we are the good guys. Have you even considered what the result of that would be? Have you even considered the horrors that would result from an action like this? Think of the innocent lives that will forever be gone. Think of the land that we would render inhabitable and spoil for years. This land, which some of you believe is the cradle of civilization, the setting where the stories from your most sacred, holy book took place, should be destroyed for the actions of a fringe element of a much wider culture? Of course, something should be done to assist, but do we really support such an extreme action? Thank goodness cooler heads will prevail in Washington. This would be an evil, tyrannical move and a crime against humanity on a scale never before seen. Sure, a lot of these nations are regressive in their ways of thinking. Women are treated poorly. Christians, atheists, and LGBT citizens must live secret lives or possibly die. But this isn’t the fault of the citizens. They were born into this situation. This is all they know. We were born into our situations of privilege. Good for us, but are we any better than these people because of it? Can we really efficiently transform a culture of violence and oppression with more violence and oppression? Each time we do this, we help to displace people from their homes, their families, and their way of life. We manufacture the resentment of these people. Is this really what we want? Do we really want to continue down this path?

I want to turn to the refugee situation. Which of these following actions do you find to be more in line with the notion that America is the “home of the brave?” One action would involve allowing these fellow human beings who have lost everything and are simply trying to find a place where they can keep themselves and their children safe from the constant war and strife that takes place in their home country. We would accept this action with the knowledge that a majority of these people practice the Muslim faith and there is a slight possibility that some of them could harbor bad intentions. But to the vast, vast majority, we would merely provide succor. A second action would be to generalize and assume that assisting these human beings would inevitably result in a danger to us, so in a flurry of fear-based decision making, we deny these people shelter from a living hell that we have never experienced in our fortunate place within the world. Are we humanitarians as a country or are we nationalists who care nothing for the lives of any but our own? I consider myself a humanist, so in my mind, it’s my duty to help in any way possible to fellow human beings in need. The majority of Americans are Christians. Christians are charged by the figure of Christ, who they base their very way of life upon, to care for those in need. Here are just two verses from the New Testament which support this:

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?’ And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.” — Matthew 25:37-40

“Contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers.” — Romans 12:13

Consider these questions. What constitutes bravery to you? What course of action would genuinely display the most courage? Look deep inside yourself, from the depths of your own conscience and ask: what is right?

  

People Aren't Toys

People we truly love are not toys we can just grow tired of and place back on the shelf after the novelty wears off. We are all subject to the same processes. All of our cognitive actions are driven by a stimulus, which then creates electrical impulses called action potentials in our neurons, which then send those signals to other neurons, which eventually reach terminals to release the neurotransmitters which will illicit the outward, physical response to said stimulus (quite simplified). Sometimes, this process can go awry. Sometimes it's induced by a substance. Sometimes, experiencing stressors over and over can cause the malfunction. Other times, it’s genetic. It can be difficult for those of us who have not experienced this process gone faulty to sympathize with and understand those who have experienced this breakdown. But it’s important to comprehend the way this process works, if nothing else, so we can recognize that those of us who are of sound mind should step in and help.

We need to be able detect when the figurative wiring of another human being needs attention and repair. We need to understand it goes beyond telling them to just “suck it up and get it together.” Understanding our own neurophysiology can only improve us as a species. We are a social species. We’re thinking, aware organisms, and regardless of one’s worldview, it’s an objective fact that we must work together and help one another in order to survive and thrive. This is true on a macro-level. This works on micro-levels as well in the form of friends and family. We form tight-knit groups within our species and we come to love those individuals within the group. When we truly love another, we will do anything we can, regardless of circumstance, past occurrences, or how far they’ve fallen to get those neurons firing back on track. Sometimes, we will even allow ourselves to be dragged down with them in doing so.

It bears repeating: people we truly love are not toys we can just grow tired of and place back on the shelf after the novelty wears off. We must exhaust all resources in lifting up and restoring those we love.

An Exposé on Keith Flick... Um... By Keith Flick

I'm overcome with the urge to put my writing skills to the test for the first time in a long time. It's been one hell of a ride for the past year, and I've changed quite a bit as a human being as a result of it. I get the feeling that many people no longer really know me. I still retain some of my familiar qualities. I'm still a raging nerd when it comes to the fiction (literature and film) I love. I still love my metal music and I still play guitar, though it's been reduced to dabbling. I'm still a sports fan, although nowhere near as rabid as I once was. I've become more of a casual sports fan, where I pay attention to the standings and watch games here and there, but I'm no longer that guy who wants to sit and analyze every aspect of a game and discuss "what might have been" after a crushing loss. I don't care about studying offseason moves. I don't get angry when my team screws up or loses. I don't rush home from work to catch the game as if my life depended on it like I once did. I still like video games, but when the hell do I have time to play them? There was a time when almost all of my free time was spent either on a console or my PC, wasting hours of the day away living out my time in a virtual fantasy world. Gaming is a very escapist hobby, as is fandom of any sort when it comes to fiction. Hell, I may even be able to attribute how enveloped I once was in these two avenues of entertainment to my relative happiness at the time. Anyway... I'm rambling. My aim with this blog post (yes, some people still use these) is to update those who have known me for years but don't really know me as well now. Also, to discuss what has been going on in my life.

First things first. I'm not going to get too specific here, but I can't go without addressing one of the biggest changes that has occurred in my life. My relationship status...

Being in love is a funny thing. Falling out of love is possibly even more bizarre. It's an odd phenomenon when you still love someone (because I really, really do love her), but you're no longer in love with them romantically. There's a desire to resist regressing back into the relationship because it would be taking the seemingly easy road, but there's also a sometimes-painful yearning for the good times. It can pop up at random moments. In the grocery store when I pick out a certain food item or when a certain song pops up on my shuffle... movies, scents, phrases, places, etc... So many things can randomly trigger the good memories and it can hurt when it happens. When one spends nearly every day for over a decade with the same person, there are many, many good times to speak of. The comfort which results from such a long-term relationship is something I never noticed until it was gone. The comfort... that's one thing I really miss. In less than a year's time, I don't remember what it means to feel completely comfortable. Now, nothing seems stable. Nothing seems certain. It can be agonizing and anxiety-inducing at times to have such a thick fog obscuring my view to the future when the way was so astonishingly clear before things changed so drastically. It can be taxing to have to navigate forward, not having the faintest notion of what I might encounter next and how it might change my life for better or for worse. But the prospect of this uncertainty can also be significantly exciting at times.

How does one handle such a situation? I can say from my own experience there are many times when I am so optimistic about my future and so confident with what I'm doing, I'm bordering on cockiness. Other times, I feel so lost and hopeless that I want to do nothing more than crawl into my bed, curl up into the fetal position and sob the day away. It's a very bipolar experience, coming to grips with the loss of a former life. One thing I have done here and there (and it's a poor strategy) is place too much reliance on others to help maintain my confidence. Relying on others from time to time for reassurance is fine, I think. To a degree, it's essential for even the most introverted of human beings. But I've overdone it. I wrap my happiness up in the attention and approval of others far too much. It isn't fair to me, and it's not fair to the people I place that burden upon (there are a select few people to whom I owe great thanks for this). I still haven't attempted to discover what it's like to truly be alone. Sure, I've spent lots of time alone, but when I'm alone I find myself constantly pining for attention by either bombarding Facebook and Twitter with posts as if to say to my friends in the social media world, "Hello! I'm here! Acknowledge me! Like my posts! Reply to my posts! Comment on them!"... or I incessantly text my friends, waiting impatiently for a reply. The fact that I'm posting this blog post could just as easily be considered a ploy for attention. But hey, at least I'm aware I'm doing it. Awareness is the first step toward correcting the problem, right? Loneliness can lead to this desperation for attention. This desperation for attention is unhealthy when one becomes fixated upon it. This fixation leads to lots of overthinking and irrational thoughts... Why didn't he/she like my post? Am I uninteresting? Don't they notice me?! Are they ever going to reply to my text?! Did I do something to piss them off?!

So unhealthy! Such insecurity from a person who once coldly scoffed at insecurity and mopey behavior (this was quite ignorant of me)! What am I? 16?

Like I said. Irrational.

A little over three years ago, I made the decision to better myself in several ways. First, I stopped smoking (which I have admittedly slipped up on during these stressful times). Then, I decided to lose weight. Next, I decided to go back to school and study for a career I know I will love. Finally, and one of the most important things of all, I decided to stop pretending to be someone I'm not in order to keep the peace with some of those people who are very close to my heart. That last statement relates to my political leanings and religious affiliation. I've been of a progressive mindset since at least the 2004 election that I can remember, but I pretended to be a bit more conservative as not to rock the boat in certain family circles. As far as my religious affiliation, well... I don't belong to one and I never really have connected with it at any point from my late teens into my adult life. I'm what some would consider an agnostic atheist. For those unfamiliar with the nomenclature behind "labeling" one's belief system, my "label" basically means that I do not claim to know if a deity/creator/"higher power" of sorts exists, but given the empirical evidence available, I see nothing close to a compelling reason to believe that a deity/deities of any specific religion exists. My scientific studies and thinking in terms of the scientific method have only solidified this position. This is all I'm going to say on that subject. When I first compiled the courage to admit this to myself, my enthusiasm for criticizing religion bordered on zealotry. Though it's still one of my goals in life to encourage critical thinking, I will do it in a way that is diplomatic. That's my style. It isn't my style to insult, so I'm not going to do that anymore. My apologies to any of my nonreligious friends who feel my approach is soft, but it takes all kinds. Don't forget that. It's hard to remember when you're part of a marginalized group like atheists, but there must be some balance in how we approach the goal to become more accepted and also in opening a dialogue with those who differ from us. Ridicule may promote critical thinking with some, but not all. Sometimes, it causes people to strengthen their defenses and exhibit an extreme confirmation bias. Again, rambling... sorry. My views have come at a cost. They've made some people very uncomfortable. It's not my fault they're uncomfortable with my views, their uneasiness is their own issue, but it is my fault for pretending they didn't reside in my head for so long and blindsiding those who thought I was someone else. I don't apologize for where I stand, but I do apologize for being phony out of fear for so many years.

I find it very ironic that when I made these decisions to better myself, within the span of a few years, I find myself a separated, 35-year-old man in college, waiting tables at a restaurant, and living like someone several years his junior most days. It's both liberating and terrifying at the same time. Three years ago, I was working a 9-5-style job, Monday through Friday, making a great salary with all the benefits included. My thoughts were centered on very different things. When should we seriously start talking about having children (we had, but we were always wishy-washy)? How much longer are we staying in this house? Should we tear down and build or should we go back to renting? We have to consider the dogs too! When is the next time we're going to get together with all of the other married couples we're friends with? Where are we going on vacation this year?

I was an adult. I was a standard American, middle class adult. Now I'm rebuilding. I've toppled my very structure and now I begin to assemble from scratch. I come with new tools and materials, and thus far, I do it virtually alone.

But I am resilient. I am strong. I am capable. I am worthy. And I will succeed.

If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read about me. I think being candid about oneself is therapeutic sometimes and writing this has been just that. I don't want pity. I don't need encouragement. I just want people to know me for me and no one else. If you're my friend and you care about me as I care about you (because if I call you my friend, you can damn sure bet I care about you a great deal), you deserve that.